FAF.orlando.2006

What is The Answer? is there only one? and how do you (or anyone, for that matter), know that they know The Answer? How is one answer right for everyone? for that matter, how is one answer NOT right for everyone? we are all humans, after all, and we all want the same things: love, acceptance, success, HAPPINESS, you're familiar with the list, i'm sure. "well, you just know." is that good enough? and for that matter, who's to say what is good enough, and what isn't? if you choose what is right for you, but it's not right for someone else, then how is it right in the first place? if it's right, isn't it right for everyone? or is it not right for everyone, even if it is right for you?

I've been thinking a lot lately. (obviously). and sometimes it seems to me that people think that Christians blindly accept what is "handed" to them: a set of beliefs, a book, a set of rules, etc. perhaps some do. but those people are a small minority. the vast majority of Christians (and Jews and Muslims and Athiests and Buddhists and people in general) spend some amount of time questioning what they believe. everyone does that. (it's not just you). The questions above are tricky ones. how can anyone tell me what to believe, how to live my life? how can someone tell me i'm wrong, when, short of some insane happening, they are a human, just like me? and for that matter, how can anyone be certain of what they believe, some to the point of dying for those beliefs?

...it's touchy. but lets say i read a book that lined up with everything i felt, and everything that i find out is true about the world that i'm living in (for instance, that it's flawed and needs to be saved from it's condition). if i read that book and did what it said, and miracles happened to me, and i was happy, wouldn't i be wondering if that is The Answer? furthermore, wouldn't i want to tell everyone that's still looking for the answer, that i may have found it? i've read that book, and the answer to every question that i've ever had is in it. (for a sample, see paragraph 1) Would that not constitute as The Answer? if it answers all my questions about why life is the way that it is?

people will argue, inevitably until the end of time. they can argue with a book. they can argue with what you say, my friend. but people cannot argue with your experience. people can't argue with the fact that i was once struggling with depression, and i talked to God about it, and then i wasn't. i was once unable to sing, and then i asked God to fix it. then, it was fixed.

All i know, is that this book, called the Bible, has changed my life. it's changed lots of lives, but you don't have to take my word for it. in fact, please don't take my word for it. experience it for yourself. unless your life is perfect and your body is in perfect health and you don't live in a world that needs to be saved from its messed up condition.

look, i'm not trying to tell you or anybody what to believe. believe what you want, by all means. but do you feel so strongly about your beliefs that you want to tell everyone about them? do your beliefs fill you with an unexplainable joy that doesn't go away, even when life sucks? do your beliefs fix your body or your mind or your finances or your family whenever they aren't working right? if not, then are you sure you've found The Answer?

Today was a great day.

But the weekend was a little rough. Yesterday i would have told you that i was going out of my mind. Maybe it was being around lots of people the whole time, which is no problem, if you can talk. but seeing all of my friends, and going to eat and stuff was a little frustrating. Yesterday was particularly so; i think it was a hump that i needed to get over because today was amazing. i'm getting into the groove of this. so much, in fact, that i think when i'm able to talk again, i will probably be more careful with the use of my voice. however, that's not entirely due to this extended period of vocal rest. i now have a voice worth treating well. i didn't not treat it well before surgery, but i was certainly more careless with my voice. it was me being subconciously rebelious toward God, saying, "well God, if you're going to give me this voice, i'll tell you what i think about that."

i don't think i bothered him, really. just a guess.

But God is so amazing, and that's why this day has been so great. he reminded me that when i'm weak (or tired or frustrated or bummed out), the joy of the Lord is my strength.

And just one more thing: My friends are so cool. thank you guys for your prayers, texts, visits, and messages. i love you guys so muchhhhhhhh!

someone messed up my tracker. maybe it was me. but i doubt it. anyway, stalk away, little xanga stalkers, because my tracker doesn't work.

"The valleys of the sea were exposed and foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, Lord, at the blast of breath from your nostrils." (WOW God is so big!) Psalms 18:16

have you ever heard the phrase, "words are cheap"?

words are nice, but they're just that. cheap. thats why i pray that one day everyone will have the experience of just staying silent for a while. let me explain. i guess i should start from the beginning.

the surgery went better than expected. They were able to operate on both vocal chords, which means no second surgery! That is such a blessing. The doctors still didn't say exactly what was on my vocal chords. apparently the right one was "pretty ugly", but the left was bad, too. now they are both "cleaned up" (i prefer this phrase to the too-often used terms "stripped" and worse, "scraped"). I feel great. Thank you all for your prayers and support. This sounds strange, but the day of the surgery may have been one of the best days i have had in a long time.

Here's the rest of the story though. this is what you don't know.

Many times in the last 2 years, i have given up on singing. i wasn't tempted to give up, i didn't try to give up. i gave up. i wasn't giving up on God, because i had no idea what he had in store. but God never closed this door. i never felt this chapter, the "singing anna" chapter of my life, end. i didn't realize i should become a doctor, or join the peace corp. in fact, i was pretty much stuck. have you ever felt that way, just taking it one day at a time? so, when i went to camp a month ago, my youth group suddenly began praying for my healing.

the thing about my youth group:

these kids pray.

God heals in countless ways. We oftentimes put God in a box, and we watch that box like our life depends on it. but when something happens (more often than not) outside the box, we miss it. i was sure that my healing was coming...but in a way that no one, including myself, expected.

when i got home, i learned that my doctor had called recommending surgery.

so i guess the story is out of order, but here i am. i still don't know what exactly is going on. But i don't have to, because not only has God brought me to this place in my life, but he hasn't abandoned me. he stays wherever i am.

at this point, i haven't said a word (or a cough, or a laugh, or...) since wednesday morning. and i won't say another until next wednesday, if then. it's quite a blessing, really. time to spend the way i want to spend it.

communication is almost easier without words. people listen.

someone once told me that when God healed me, i would have a new voice. as in, he wouldn't fix the old one, he would give me a whole new one, that was clearer and more beautiful, and mine. i believe this with my whole being

and i can hardly wait.

I guess i thought that not having surgery would require the most faith. As it turns out, actually having surgery takes all the faith i can muster. But God has not abandoned me through all of this, and he won't start now. I am so thankful for not only God's help and grace, but also for amazing friends; without their prayer and support, I couldn't possibly make it through. I am so thankful; i honestly don't deserve them!

For those who don't know, i have quit my job for the time being, and i'll be having a surgical procedure on my vocal chords wednesday morning, July 5. the decision was not made lightly, nor was it made without lots of prayer, and confirmation from God. i won't be able to talk for a week or two, but feel free to text me or whatever. Most importantly, please keep me in your prayers.

Tomorrow is 4th of July, one of my favorite holidays. Maybe it's because it's in the summer, my favorite time of the year, or because we eat the whole day (also a plus). whatever it is, i love 4th of July. Hope everyone has a great one!

Stay tuned.

"...It won't be long before the generous God who has great plans for us in Christ- eternal and glorious plans they are!- will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word." 1 Peter 5:10, 11